(Just being clear upfront: This is not a romantic post 😛 )
These days I don’t feel like myself. I feel lethargic, disengaged, detached. I feel like I’m just drifting through life without directions, letting the currents of life carry me to wherever without making a splash. There is a stillness to life and it’s not the kind of stillness that brings peace to the soul, it brings uneasiness and an intangible sense of fear. It’s rather disturbing.
“Quit complaining and find a way to fix it!” – a voice speaks in my head. Whenever I’m in a slump, I tend to look to people to find motivation: family, friends, others who I admire. This time, I take a look at myself. When have I been the happiest? When have I enjoyed life the most? What am I doing in those situations? A walk down memory lane quickly gives me the answer: I am the happiest when I’m doing my best to reach a goal I really want. Whether it’s writing a long essay, painting a huge picture, learning a language, studying for an exam, or conducting scientific research, I have the time of my life when I put my heart in to it, that is , doing things wholeheartedly.
I like this English word: “wholeheartedly“. It sounds (to me at least) so pure and powerful without any trace of pretentiousness or disingenuity. That’s the quality which I always want to strive for, but don’t always achieve. That’s the one condition on which my success depends, yet one that I don’t always adhere to. Instead, sometimes, like recently, I do things halfheartedly and thus get little enjoyment or result out of it. It’s not like I don’t care about the things I do at all (that would be “no-heartedly” right? Is there a word for that?) I just don’t care THAT MUCH. Like I’d do enough to keep myself floating, but I’m clearly not swimming. It seems easy at first to do thing this way, and that’s probably why I am lured into it, but it feels increasing wrong.
An important friend of mine once told me that he had a tormenting regret about his high school days (despite the fact that most people we know would say he was a great student) that he did things halfheartedly and ended up disappointing the people who had great hopes in him (I was very happy because he could share such deep thoughts with me, shame that we’re not that close anymore 😦 ). It’s been a few years since, and I still think about what he said. Sometimes I question myself whether I’m making that same mistake. I really don’t want to have to regret it later, I mean life is short, why spending it randomly drifting around?
I remember those times when I worked really hard on something, I was running on the sheer excitement of getting things done and the hope for what those things would bring in the future. I was free of worry, knowing that I was giving it my all so there would be no regrets. That version of me is quite admirable to the current me. I think I should follow “her” example.
Do I currently have a goal I really want to reach? Yes. Am I working hard, or, well, wholeheartedly, on that goal? No. This is what goes wrong. Half a heart gets me to nowhere. And I don’t want “nowhere”, I wanna go places!